I recently took three flights in order to see my family for the holidays and then return to the comfort and Romanian europop of my own home. Unfortunately I flew with Air Canada, which meant all three of my flights were delayed (six out of six of my Air Canada flights in 2012 were delayed- they get an A+ for tardiness!) and I had to spend even more time around annoying individuals who seemed to have personally put the “I” in Christmas. Here are a few of the travelers I encountered:
#1 – The couple arguing at security. And the other couple arguing at security. “Let me get organized!” “Why didn’t you put the hand sanitizer in a ziplock bag?” “Don’t rush me!” “Why did you insist on coming here so early?” “Where are the eye drops? I NEED EYE DROPS NOW!” I’m twenty-nine and unmarried! I’m past my prime! All you couples should be lucky someone snatched you up while you were still young and you should save your whining for serious issues, like being an unmarried twenty-nine-year-old and famine and human trafficking and stuff.
#2 – The guys who are drunk and stoned. Woo-hoo! You just wrote your last exam! And your Air Canada flight is- obviously-delayed! TEQUILA SHOTS! Look, I love me a good tequila shot or ten or a bottle or a ride on the Tequila Express, but I know there is a time and a place for the sweet juice of the agave plant. And that time is not five minutes before boarding and then sitting in the emergency exit road. *Aside: Are airlines allowed to let obviously drunk people sit in exit rows?
#3 – The girl who flipped her ponytail in some guy’s face… twice. The back-to-back seating of an airport is not found in many other places, leading to some unusual encounters. I had the good fortune of seeing a girl in her late teens put her waist-length ponytail into a bun. The process of doing so involved slapping her mane into the face of the guy sitting behind her… twice. The weirdest part was that her mom clearly saw it and didn’t tell her to stop smacking the guy’s face. I’ve heard you can get herpes from that.
#4 – The teddy bear texter. If you’re old enough to send forbidden texts during take-off and landing, you’re too old to travel with your stuffed teddy bear. Enough said.
#5 – The 5,000 people traveling with their dogs. There are these things called children. And this other thing called pocket money. Children want pocket money. They will do almost anything for pocket money, including looking after your fucking dog while you go to granny’s house for two nights and a turkey dinner. You know that feeling of relief when you walk out of your relative’s house and know you won’t need to see them again for another year? That’s how your dog feels when you walk out the door on your way to granny’s (except it’s two days rather than 363). That bitch can survive without you for a few days. In fact, she’s begging for it. Don’t ruin your dog’s Christmas by forcing them to listen to arguing couples at security.